Are you in a push - pull relationship?

This article was written by one of our members and has been reproduced with permission.

Before I met my ex-partner, I was confident, self-reliant, positive, and I had a mindset that was about positivity. When I met her, she told me that she loved my confidence, she loved that I wasn’t afraid to be sensitive, and that I was also firm but fair.

She was incredibly intense from day one. Within a week of talking to her, she was sharing stories about the abusive relationship she had been in and that it had affected her deeply. She told me all about how her ex had cheated on her – as well as many other personal stories that had me feeling sorry for her.

It’s really important for me to mention at this point, that I believe her ex – the one she mentioned – is a good man, with good intentions and a good heart. At the time though, I didn’t like him and she made him out to be somebody who had caused her a lot of hurt.

Within those weeks, her messages to me became incredibly sexual. Again, I am not going to repeat what she said, but it was the first time I had ever engaged with somebody on text like that – whom I wasn’t in a relationship with.

She was incredibly flirty and loved to send me messages telling me how attracted she was to me. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but there was something about her that was attractive. The sensitive lady who had been hurt, and the intense attraction she had for me played a part. I guess there was a part of me that didn’t want her to go through what she had told me had happened.

It didn’t take long for the first push-pull signs to happen. Out of nowhere one evening she went incredibly cold. I tried talking to her and she was saying that I was just like the other men and she felt ashamed. I had no idea what had happened and spent the next couple of days trying to win her back over.

Little did I know that the trap had been set – and this was her testing me to see if she could push me away and if I would chase her.

Over the next few months this tactic would come out regularly. She would be all over me – complimenting me and giving me attention, before she would suddenly go completely cold and would often tell me that I know what I had done. The problem is, I didn’t.

I would then go through messages between us, think through conversations and try to work out exactly what I had done. I would then – again – spend time winning her back over. It would take time, but she would then suddenly go back to being the lady I first met and nothing else would be said.

I often spoke to her about her meltdowns, or as I called them the ‘flips’ and would tell her that it was like being in a relationship with two different women. But she didn’t like being told that she had hurt me and would come back with comments like “you’re crazy” or that I was deranged and mental. She would often do this to turn the attention onto me. Those words would hurt me and I would back off.

As the relationship progressed, the push-pull got worse. I was working harder than ever to try and prove myself. She would often say that all men are the same and that I was just like her ex. She would manufacture arguments out of nowhere and then use these as an excuse to push me away.

One of the strangest ways she did this was when she asked me if I liked the Royal Family, as we sat watching the King’s Coronation. When I replied that I didn’t, her mood changed. All of a sudden she was claiming I was in a bad mood and that I was ruining the day – and within an hour she had kicked me out of the house, leaving me to sleep in the car.

It was always the same routine. She would start an argument, I would want no part of it, she would accuse me of being mad with her, or of not caring, she would become abusive and aggressive and I would end up sleeping in my car or paying for a hotel as I waited for the switch to happen.

These ‘flips’ became worse the more the relationship progressed. And when we found out she was pregnant, she had another power-tool to use as well. “You won’t see your son” and “I will have an abortion” became the standard to shut me down anytime I pointed out to her that her behaviour was affecting my mental health.

I counted up the times the ‘it’s over’ happened and by December 2023, it was 18 times. This was a relationship that was 3-years old. This means that the push-pull routine of abuse was happening every 2 months for a period of 3 years.

By December 2023, I had become tired of it. It’s worth reading this thread on X.com, because it details some of the last 12 months.

She had told lies and abused me in the run up to our son being born. I had been putting in 100% effort. But I was kicked out and made homeless. This time I didn’t chase. She told me I had to apologise to her parents to make things better. Yet she was trying to make me chase and apologise for lies she had manufactured.

And this time I didn’t chase. I stopped chasing. This made things worse for me as the attacks from her – and her family who have been fed lies – became much worse than I had ever faced before.

The push-pull she used affected my confidence and made me reliant on her to be in a good mood so I could feel relaxed and at ease. When she pulled away, I chased – because the other side of her was amazing and that life was easy. The problem is, this rots your soul and leaves you dependent on somebody who cannot regulate their emotions.

For anybody in a relationship with somebody who does this. Get out now. It does not get better. She has left me a broken man who is still under attack from her – and who was not protected by the Police.

Get out before you lose yourself, just as I have.

Written by @dadaccess on X